Andy Rooney

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Men who are afraid of being ruined by success should get a job with the weather bureau.

Husband answering the telephone "She's not home, Mrs. Smith. Would you like to leave a rumor?" Adolescent : One who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
"When the eyes are closed, the hearing becomes more acute."  says a medical authority.  We have noticed several people experimenting in church. There is nothing wrong with having nothing to say----just as long as you don't say it out loud.
Cultivate good habits----The bad ones all grow wild. Taxes may be staggering, but they never go down.
Some girls will scream at the sight of a mouse and then climb right into the car with a wolf. Women can keep a secret  just as well as men, but generally it takes more of them to do it.
When a man forgets himself he usually does something that everyone else remembers. You can't judge the modern girl by her  clothes. There isn't enough evidence.
Spinsters lament:   "Whenever I meet a man who would make a good husband.  he is." It will be interesting to hear today's teen-agers tell their children what they had to do without.
Don't underestimate love at first sight. Most of us might not pass a second inspection. The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you're experienced, you're unemployed.
Never Buy anything with a handle on it. It means work. Education is what is left over after one has forgotten the facts.
Ad in a newspaper: "For sale. Complete set of encyclopedias.  Never used.  Wife knows everything." A teacher scolded a pupil : "if you don't learn to write, nobody will be able to read your picket sign."
Inflation : the system whereby if you save long enough to buy something, you can't afford it. In the old days, if you wanted to know whether a girl had knock-knees, you had to listen.
Page 2.         Many an argument is sound ___and only sound!.
Any government that is big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take everything you have got! A little girl ran into the classroom and told the teacher: "Two boys are fighting in the schoolyard, and I think the one on the bottom wants to see you."
Some of us are like a fence. We run around a lot without getting anywhere. Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives.
Do you know why lightning never strikes twice in the same place? It doesn't have to. Pity the poor housewife. when she feels a bit weary, she has no place to stay home from.
Anyone who doesn't worry about the world situation these days ought to have his television set examined. One nice thing about the old fashioned blacksmith_when you brought your horse to be shod, he didn't think of about 40 other things that ought to be done.
Do not confuse an open mind with a hole in the head. It's better to become bent from hard work that to become crooked from avoiding it.
A wife is a great comfort to a husband during the distressing times a bachelor never has. Mother say that at Christmas time the kids hang up their stockings. After that it's a full year before any one of them hangs up anything again.
The difference between being a high-spirited child and a juvenile delinquent is whether he is my kid or yours. Girls bathing suits are so brief these day that there is probably more cotton in the top of an aspirin bottle.
Some people never get interested in anything until it is none of their business. Mother to small son: "If you don't want it, don't eat it. I'll put it in Daddy's lunch tomorrow."
The income tax people know what to give a man who has everything. An audit. The Stone Age is from 16 to 60__and the larger the stone, the better she will like it.
A man was asked by a salesman if his wife was home. "She must be," sad the husband. "the phone is still warm." One reason experience is such a good teacher is that she doesn't allow any dropouts.